- Get a Bachelor’s degree
- Get a Master’s degree
- Get a job as a Software Engineer
- Move abroad
- Write a book
I wrote the list above about 9-10 years ago, when I was in highschool. By the end of 2024 I achieved all of them. I am very grateful for this. These weren’t easy goals by any means. Each of them took a very long time to achieve.
Interestingly enough, the goal that was the least “practical”, writing a book, was the one that fulfilled me the most. I wrote my first novel in 2022. Since then, I wrote 2 more novels. I enjoyed it so much that for a while I believed that it was my life purpose to become a writer.
But there was something empty about it. I didn’t get many readers. Only close relatives bothered to read my stories. The notion of investing a lot of time and energy into a project, and no one valuing it, it’s sadder than I can describe. I don’t say this out of ego. I don’t even care about compliments or money. I wrote for the sake of writing. Art for the sake of art. But at some point I started wondering, is it truly art if no one appreciates it? If I were to paint the most beautiful painting in existence, and I put it in my basement, and no one ever got to see it, would it still be art?
It doesn’t matter how people spin this notion. That we “don’t need others” to be happy. That we don’t need validation from anyone. It doesn’t matter how you spin it. Because it’s not true.
The concept of me spending hundreds or thousands of hours to write a novel, knowing very well that after I complete crafting it, no one or almost no one will bother to read it, it kills my drive.
What now? What’s my purpose? Do I go back to writing? That would be madness.
My current “attempt” at a life purpose is to become a game developer. I’ve been spending a while lately, creating graphics for my first project. I believe it will be easier to find people who enjoy videogames than people who enjoy reading fiction. Nowadays, at least.
The thing that bothers me is my day job. Arriving home at 8-9 pm, by that time my mind is too fucked to be productive. Even though I’m taking my life purpose as a hobby, and not as a career path, it’s still difficult. The pragmatic aspects of survival get in the way often.
- Complete the course “React.JS” by Meta
- Complete the Master’s thesis
- Save up 10k€
- Complete creating the game “Space Prism”
This is my list of goals for 2025. The first three will be a pain in the ass. I value all these goals “logically”, not “emotionally”. I’m only motivated by the latter one.
I get optimistic each time I look at the protagonist’s sprite (which took me way longer to create than I expected). It fuels my creativity. I’m just bitter over the fact I don’t have more free time to work on this.
As for my long term goals, past this year?
It’s like asking what’s at the other side of nothingness. I have nothing to look forward to in the next 5 years, let alone in the next 10.
Sometimes I’m wondering if this is how it should be, or if I’m doing something wrong. Should I perhaps have fewer “practical” goals and more “fun” ones? My left brain says that would be foolish.
